Top of the Food Chain

If I told you the truth about me you’d back away, thinking I’m crazy. Why? Because people like me, we don’t exist, according to science and such.

But I am real. After all, I’m sitting right next to you at this bar. Go ahead, touch me.

See? I’m real.

The myths lie, you know. I don’t know where they come up with some of them, unless it’s just people’s need to control their fear and keep believing they’re at the top of the food chain.

You’re not. I don’t think you ever have been.

Oh, yeah? All it takes is the right situation to drive that point home. Lost at sea? Clinging to a bit of wreckage with a shark swimming a few feet away? Who’s at the top of the food chain then, I ask you?

The shark of course. Trust me on that.

What do I think I am? It’s not what I think – it’s what I am. You’ve no idea of the truth, and I’ve no idea whether I could trust you enough to tell it.

I can trust you? Sure I can.

Yeah, I could use another drink. Thanks.

I’m sure there’s more like me, but I haven’t found them yet. It’s lonely, being different.

How lonely? Imagine being the only one on a deserted island. Forever.

No, I’m perfectly aware we’re sitting in a crowded bar. All the noise is giving me a headache.

What? Sure, I suppose somewhere quieter would be nice, especially if I decide to tell you what I am. The real question here is: Are you sure you can trust me?

You laugh, because you’re a big, strapping man. That’s all right. I know your only plan for the night is getting laid.

Bluntness saves time. I’m not against the idea; you’re a good-looking guy.

All right, let’s go.

 Nice place. It’s cleaner than I expected from a guy your age living alone. You’re what, twenty-five?

Yeah, I’m good at guessing people’s ages. It’s a gift.

No need for fake affection, not with me. We can just strip and fuck. That’s fine.

If you’re any good, I’ll tell you what I am afterwards.

Oh, I think I’d give you a nine out of ten. You’re enthusiastic, aren’t you?

 Yeah, I did, and I will tell you. Well, I’ll show you.

 Shh…don’t scream, it hurts my ears. I told you I wasn’t crazy.

 Don’t do that.

 You’re a liar just like the rest. You said I could trust you, remember?

 I know it’s different now that you realize I wasn’t lying about humans not being the top of the food chain, huh?

 Bet you feel pretty alone right this minute.

 You know, maybe I misjudged you. Maybe you’re a ten after all. You certainly worked up my appetite.

 Don’t worry.

 I’ll make it fast. 

Please be advised that:

I follow people totally smothered in Animalistic* Awesome Sauce and re-tweet them freely.

This can result in much licking of body parts as well as mention of sex toys and weaponry.

I recommend the use of neither of those.

If you believe that, I’ve got some beach front property in New Deal, Texas to sell you.

I don’t believe in organized religion.

Disorganized religion is way more fun.

You won’t convert me.

So stop trying already.

I cuss.

A lot.

F-bombs have been known to fly freely.

I promote my ebooks, web fics and other stuff regularly.

I’ll promote your stuff too.

Love me for that.

I have blonde moments.

Probably because I am blonde right now. Thank you, Clairol.

I commit the ultimate Twitter sin: I tweet about food.

I also tweet about my furry kidlets and show pics of them*.

I know, I’m such a rule breaker.

I like conversing with people.

I hate the non-word ‘conversate’.

I’ll spank you with my katana if you use it.

Hard.

I drink a lot.

By drink, I mean Dr Pepper and spiced chai.

Two of my characters also have Twitter accounts.

They don’t post regularly. They’re usually too busy fighting or fucking.

See? What’d I tell you? F-bomb!

I’m scatter-brained, so the slightest glimpse of…ooh, kitty!

* @tmycann forced me at whip point to add those. Swear she did. :p

I’m opening up space for banner advertising!

The current click thru rate is 10-20%. Static 468 x 60 banners only, please.

$1.00 for 1500 click thrus. Banners show top and bottom of every page, random rotation. My blog is averaging 366 visitors and 1200 page views daily (so far this month!).

I’ll email you for your banner image. Don’t have one? I can create one for you for $10.

Your Link:

This is my stack.

This is my stack on crack.

Watch a writer go insane

while Voices party in her brain.

I began *seriously* writing in 2007. Meaning, I started writing every day.

The above is 5 feet tall. Yes, the containers are full enough that I’m not sure how I’ll fit the loose stuff in them.

The scary thing? This is only the stuff I’ve written and haven’t typed up yet. I’ve cleared out all that I have typed up.

It seems I just keep adding to it.

Five feet tall. How many words is that?