There will be a paranormal slant coming along.
© G L Drummond, 2010. All Rights Reserved.
***
Chapter One
A frown spread as I glanced at the man sprawled across the bed. He wasn’t it; wasn’t him. None of them had been, at least not for more than a few moments.
Those moments done and over, I slicked back freshly washed hair and began collecting my clothing. Stale beer and whiskey fluttered into the air when he spoke. “You’re leaving?”
“Yeah.”
“Damn.” The word was devoid of any true regret. He rolled over, displaying blue eyes, roughly chiseled features and the soft, shriveled flesh his erection had retreated to. “I’m game for another round.”
“I have to get moving. Sorry.” Pulling on my jeans, then socks, I fastened my bra next while he watched.
“Okay. Had fun.”
“Yeah, me too.” My tee stuck to my back the second wet hair settled on it. Always the same thing, not one of them ever tried to make me stay.
Even Billy had let mostly go, though with hurt reluctance. Never should’ve married him. Gathering my boots, purse and jacket, I aimed a careless smile in the bed’s direction. “Bye.”
“Yeah. Bye.” Click.
The shutting of a door always seemed so final. Pausing long enough to step into my boots and zip them up, I looked around the parking lot. Nothing moved in the darkness. I know what I’m searching for, but a brief glimpse and no name aren’t helpful.
Crossing to where my car waited, I wondered what in the hell I was doing.
Billy was a good man. A superb provider, steady and dependable. Faithful husband and loving father. Those qualities, coupled with handsomeness, made him the kind of man most women would hold onto with everything they had.
A push of a button unlocked the driver’s door and disarmed the alarm system. I haven’t been able to convince him to file for divorce yet. He’s loyal, and doesn’t give up easy. Even on me, after all of the reasons I’ve given him to do so.
It wasn’t hard to walk away from him and Tabitha, our daughter. What sort of person does that make me?
*
“I’m leaving.” Dinner was over, and I’d cleared the table. Billy turned, shock glittering in widened eyes and Tabby cradled in his arms.
“What?”
“I’m sorry,” was the only response I could offer.
“Why?” Billy rallied after that lost sound. “You can’t just leave, Sabrina. Let’s talk about whatever it is. We can work it out.”
“It’s not you, or her.” I nodded at the baby. Toddler? She’d begun walking. Whichever it was. “It’s me. This,” I waved a hand, gesturing around the kitchen, but meaning everything. “This isn’t where I belong, Billy.”
Weary patience crept over his face. Seeing it, I didn’t understand why he kept trying. “Let me put Tabby in bed, honey.”
Why I’d said yes to a date, then more back in high school; yes to his proposal of marriage and then to that of having a child, I didn’t know. Loneliness? A need to belong? It had been such a huge mistake.
Returning, Billy pulled a chair out and moved it to sit close. He reached for my hands. “What is it, Sabrina?”
‘This time’ should’ve been tacked on, but he wasn’t one to say such things. My fingers lay limp in his grasp. “I don’t belong here. Never have.”
“Of course you do. I love you.” Simple, direct and honest – that’s Billy.
“You give me everything a woman could want, and it’s like…” I shook my head, unwilling to hurt him yet again. Then did it anyway. “It’s meaningless. Like a play. One that I don’t want to act in anymore.”
Billy sighed, a mournful exhalation. Anger would’ve been a more appropriate response, but it was an emotion I’d never caused in him. “I think you need to start seeing Dr. Parma again, honey.”
“Therapy hasn’t been anything but a waste of your money.” I’d agreed when he’d suggested it, back when guilt still poked sharp fingers into my soul. Back before the glimpse of the man I’d felt certain had been staring at me.
He tried a different approach. “What can I do? Tell me, and I’ll do it.”
“You can let me go.” A shake of his head negated my suggestion.
“How about a vacation? Just you and me. We’ll leave Tabby with my parents.” Hope appeared as he waited for my answer. I pulled my hands from his.
“No. None of that has worked. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m this way, but I can’t pretend any longer.”
“Honey,” Billy hesitated. “Don’t leave us. We’ll figure it out.”
“We’ve been trying for eleven years,” I replied. “It’s time to give up.”
“I can’t give up on you.” He sat back, features hardening with stubbornness. “I won’t, Sabrina.”
“You should. You deserve someone better, who’ll appreciate all of this, and love you the way you should be. I’m not her, Billy. I’ve never been that woman.”
While he stared, I added, “I don’t even feel guilty that I’m not anymore.”
“If not for me, stay for Tabby.”
My turn to sigh, but it was exasperation. “You know I don’t feel anything for her.”
“You’re a good mother,” he instantly defended me. “You take excellent care of her.”
“Why should she suffer?” I didn’t feel anything, but it wasn’t the baby’s fault. “I don’t do anything a nanny can’t.”
He jumped on that. “I’ll hire one, if that’s what you want.”
Reaching for his hands, I studied the thick gold band meant to symbolize our relationship. “You’ll need one to take care of her while you’re working. I am leaving.”
His grip tightened. “Honey…”
“Divorce me, and find someone normal, Billy.”
“No.” Another shake of his head. “No.”
“Billy…”
“Look, I’m willing to do anything but that. Anything,” he emphasized, blue eyes sharp with desperation. “Maybe we married too young.”
“I’ve always been like this.”
“No, you weren’t. This is new. You’ve never mentioned divorce before, Sabrina. Leaving – you didn’t bring that up until Jason’s wedding. That’s when you started feeling…restless.”
I should’ve known he could pinpoint when it began. He was right, that was when the urge to leave first arose. All due to that brief glimpse. The mystery man I’d only seen from behind for just a few seconds.
“So let’s do this: you take a…a break. Go where you want, do whatever you want to, until you’re ready to come home.” Billy’s offer was a shock, pulling me away from the memory.
“What?”
He smiled unhappily. “I can’t let you go, not completely. And not forever, Sabrina. But I can give you some space and wait.”
“And if I never come back?” My voice trembled, but not with what it should’ve. Joy – joy at being set free.
“You will. I know you will. Something will happen and you’ll realize that you need us. That you do love us.” Billy seemed so confident.
*
That had been almost five months ago, and I’d been moving around ever since, searching.
Sitting in my car, I looked at the cell phone lying in the passenger floorboard. Missed call, the display showing a number I knew well.
Billy, why can’t you just give up?
Twisting the key, letting the engine roar to life, I backed the car and hit the road. With eleven wasted years lying behind me, it was time to begin my search again.
For me, for him – for the place that I did belong and the life that was supposed to be mine.
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